Chicken Butts Are Warm

teslafactory:

in 2017 i went on 3 dates with a boy who always "knew a guy" for every possible situation. car broke? knows a guy. locked out of your home? knows a guy. need a doctor? knows a guy. i dated him just to find out where he knew all those guys and it turned out he just had a phonebook  — Onion™ (they/them) (@AnarchOnion) June 5, 2023ALT
like I'd tell him i need my laptop fixed and he'd tell me to my face "i know a guy" and then either look up or Google some repair shop in town and ask them to give him a quote. and then he'd come back to me and be like "okay my guy says he'll do it for X€"  — Onion™ (they/them) (@AnarchOnion) June 5, 2023ALT
this went on to the point where I was like low-key convinced that he was involved with the mob or something but no?? like as far as I can tell he just committed to the bit of "knowing a guy"  — Onion™ (they/them) (@AnarchOnion) June 5, 2023ALT

this is the most tumblrified man to have ever existed

escuerzoresucitado:

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jon-jarchivist-sims:

jon-jarchivist-sims:

striders:

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Hold on, let me look something up real quick

Yeah this is funny

pansyfem:

pansyfem:

i love when you see skinny pre t guys on here saying they want to be a bear some day. fantastic life aspiration. start eating

being hairy and fat myself (im 19 so i feel weird calling myself a bear, yknow? cub, maybe.) its really refreshing to see a trend of guys who are interested in hairness and fatness after ive seen so much fatphobia and shaming in the transmasc community. it’s nice.

utah-mountain-drifter:

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synth-spinner:

milimeters-morales:

miles morales voice can you please take my itsy bitsy ass seriously

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bumbledeefumble:

Cringe farting from my fail butt

queeranarchism:

mattistumbly:

sarahmascarah:

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Ok, but this illustrates perfectly how school is designed to teach us how to work.

^^^ yes. Children shouldn’t have to live like this either. It fucking sucks.

elennastarwards:
“I’m Brazilian and my strongest memory relating to a roundabout was when me and my family were walking near my grandparent’s house. My little brother asked what the circle in the ground was and my dad explained the concept of a...

elennastarwards:

I’m Brazilian and my strongest memory relating to a roundabout was when me and my family were walking near my grandparent’s house. My little brother asked what the circle in the ground was and my dad explained the concept of a roundabout, “you’re supposed to go around it, so the road is more organized, look, there’s a car coming, you’ll see how it works” and that car just. Fucking ran over it. Dude just went forward like the road was straight. We never saw anyone do that again and I’m still not over it

tharook:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

synapsid-taxonomy:

Me: The Tasmanian devil is a voracious predator and should not be engaged with

Also me: Heehoo pupper

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“Am jus

a lil creacher”

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:V

scribblecate:

scribblecate:

Everybody sings little songs to their pets about how cute they are but my dog can’t hear shit I just be singing booming dwarven chants right in her face and she’s so happy about it

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I forgot that the cat can hear shit

koboldfactory:

I think if a studio exec says they want to force you to starve to death so you’ll be made to accept garbage wages, you should crush them in a hydraulic press incredibly slowly

Like the fact that rich people have gotten to the point where they think they can just be like “oh yeah I’m literally trying to kill you” without fear of repercussions is beyond infuriating. They need to know what it feels like to be beaten to death by hammers.

fortidogi:

atomicwrongs:

atomicwrongs:

A room called ‘The Doll Room’ that’s full of dolls is… mundane.

But a room called ‘The Doll Room’ that only has one doll in it? That’s fresh

If a person shows you their Doll Room and it’s full of dolls, they probably just like dolls, y’know? It’s normal, it’s a hobby

But if they show you their Doll Room and it only has one doll… something’s going on with that one doll!

room called the doll room and theres a mirror and nothing else. the door closes

partywithponies:

thesebonesbite:

uberfluss:

first 5 faceless emojis are how your summers gonna go

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Magnus Archives fan I see

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THIS IS SO FUNNY I’M SORRY

hardmountaindew:

noellevanious:

gamergoo:

noellevanious:

gamergoo:

noellevanious:

noellevanious:

noellevanious:

noellevanious:

noellevanious:

noellevanious:

stick that in your dick and smoke it!


new trendy saying for just about anything- feel free to use!

fuck that in you cock and suck it!

get that in your dick and cock it!

hold on.

no no i got it this time.

cock that in your dick cock fuck suck ti!

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Hi

Suck cock in your fuck dick cock suck it fuck! It! Suck!

Suck cock in your fuck dick cock suck it fuck! It! Suck!

Sock your fuck cock it suck ot! Stick it and your cock and fuck you!

I AM THE COCK AND I SUCK IT

THROW A GUN AT ME AND I DUCK IT

FUCK THE HILL I AM THE SUMMIT

IF YOU’RE NOT DOWN YOU ARE BUGGING

I LIGHT MY COCK AND SUCK IT

I DICK MY FUCK AND CUCK IT

I CUNT MY BLUNT AND BURN IT

I AM THE BEAT MEAT WORSHIP